The Lost Art of Listening

If you’ve ever had a friend who truly listens, you know what a gift that is.

We live in one of the most distracted cultures in history. The constant buzz of notifications, headlines, and multitasking has made deep listening almost extinct. Even those of us who care deeply can find ourselves half-listening, nodding while our minds are already forming a response.

Maybe you’ve shared something important only to watch the other person glance at their phone or drift away mid-sentence. It’s hard not to feel small in those moments. Which of us hasn't caught ourselves preparing our own story instead of letting theirs unfold. But when we rush to speak, we convey to the other person their story doesn’t matter as much as ours.

Proverbs puts it simply: “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” (18:2)

Listening, it turns out, is an act of humility. It says, your words have weight; I can wait.

What I’m Learning About Listening

In my first counseling class, we’re learning what good listening actually looks like. The more I learn, the more I see how these same skills build stronger relationships—whether in friendship, marriage, or family. Everyone needs a good listener in their life, and we all have the capacity to become one.

1. Ask curious questions

Swap quick phrases like “I’m sorry” or “That’s interesting” for curiosity. Ask, “How has that been affecting you?” or “Can you tell me more about that?” Open questions show a genuine desire to understand.

2. Pay attention to body language

We communicate so much more than words. In counseling, we talk about the 3 Vs and a B—visuals, vocals, verbals, and body language.

• Visuals: What do you see? Are you making eye contact, or looking past the person? Do your facial expressions match what they’re sharing?

• Vocals: How do you sound? Is your tone warm and engaged, or rushed and distracted? Does your voice carry interest or boredom?

• Verbals: What words are you choosing? Are they focused on understanding the other person, or steering things back to yourself?

• Body language: What message does your posture send? Crossed arms, glancing at your watch, or leaning back can signal distance, while a slight lean forward and relaxed shoulders say, I’m here with you.

3. Make space for emotion

Empathy doesn’t rush. When someone is joyful, celebrate with them. When they’re grieving, stay present. Sometimes a few simple words—That sounds really heavy or That must have meant a lot to you—are enough to remind someone they’re not alone in what they feel.

4. Eliminate distractions

When someone is sharing from the heart, put the phone down and look them in the eye. Your undivided attention invites them to keep sharing and clarify their thoughts.

5. Resist the urge to fix

When people share their pain, they’re often inviting us to care, not to correct. What helps most is compassion—a calm presence that doesn’t rush the process or offer quick explanations. Some things can’t be fixed, but they can be carried together.

James wrote, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.” (1:19)
I think of that often—especially in seasons of grief, when words feel fragile and listening feels like light breaking through clouds. Being heard doesn’t erase pain, but it helps us carry it.

So maybe this week, we practice slowing down, asking one more question, putting the phone facedown, letting someone share their story. Listening well might be one of the most powerful ways we can show love.

Lord, teach us to listen to You, and to the stories You’re still redeeming in each of us.

How do you know when someone is truly listening to you?