WELCOME TO MY JOURNAL

RECENT JOURNAL ENTRIES

Balancing Safe Spaces & Being Known

This week, I did something simple that stirred something complicated. After a workout class, I casually asked a couple of the women if they ever go walking. The sun was out, and I’ve been wanting to get outside more consistently—so ...

MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME

When you lose a child, something inside you dies too leaving you caught between two worlds. The world moves forward, but you feel like you’ve been left behind, standing at the grave of what once was. You wake up, you breathe, you go ...

The Friends Julian Left Behind

I’m missing my boy so much today.I spent many days in his room weeping, praying, sitting in the ache of his absence. But as time has passed, my busy days have softened the sharpest edges of grief, and I haven’t been back in his room in ...

MOURNING WHO I WAS, EMBRACING WHO I AM BECOMING

The Weight of Change: Mourning Who We Were and Embracing Who We Are BecomingA song came on the other day that transported me to another time—a time when I didn’t carry this heavy burden of grief. And for a moment, I longed for that ...

HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?

Last week, we got the dreaded question. “How many children do you have?”It was an innocent question, asked in the middle of small talk, the kind of conversation that should be easy. But we felt the familiar tension rise in our ...

Reflections on Year Two

Reflections on Year TwoWhen I was around 12, I had an unforgettable experience at the beach. The ocean was familiar, comforting—but this day it wasn’t. The undertow was unusually strong and before I realized it, I had drifted far from ...

Dawn of Hope

I was dreading the holidays, of course. The silent, empty seat at the Christmas table. I’m supposed to be buying overpriced shoes for Julian, not flowers for his graveside. Cemetery visits were never what I envisioned for all my ...

My Anchor

Scrolling through social media feels like drowning in a sea of people who seem to have the blueprint to life’s problems. They shout about how to structure your day like a Fortune 500 CEO, sculpt your mindset into success, shrink your waistline ...

Something New

Halloween was always such a fun holiday in our home. With Julian’s birthday the next day, we combined the two events and celebrated in big ways. Our yearly parties involved friends, family, two kinds of chili (the boring kind for Noy and the ...

LAMENT AT THE POOL

Have you heard the term "the dark night of the soul"? There’s no question our dark night of the soul was that awful afternoon. But this dark night didn’t end with the sunrise. It stretched into days, weeks, and months and then the ...

A WORLD WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT

Parenting teens has been difficult since the beginning of time, I have no doubt. I know I wasn't the easiest teen to parent. But there are unique challenges in parenting this generation because they are navigating challenges we know nothing about. ...

AFFLICTIONS AS JEWELS

I wrote THIS BLOG POST last Good Friday, just eight weeks after Julian's death. We are still in the School of Grief, traveling that Via Delarosa. Fridays aren't quite so painful anymore. We don't ever forget what happened on a Friday, but it's ...

BATTLING THE VOICES IN MY HEAD

Over a year later and we are still battling those voices in our heads. The voices that say, “If only you would have…,” “Why didn't you see this coming,” “You can’t handle this anymore,” and so many ...

A YEAR OF GRIEF

A Year of Grief One year without our boy. Time has stood still and flown by at the same time. It’s like we live in another dimension where time is not the same. We miss everything about him.His smile.His laugh.His ...

IN THE SHADOW

I’ve been dreading the turn of the calendar. February was never my favorite month, cold weather, made up hallmark holidays and all, but this February is particularly daunting. I know you feel it for me, because some of you have ...

THE NEVER-NESS

I recently learned of two suicides that happened on Friday, a teen and a young adult. Both boys from Colorado. Not related in any way. It breaks my heart to know that there are two more families that must travel the road we are on. Two more families ...

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

There’s part of me that can’t wait to bid good riddance to 2023 but another part of me doesn’t want to let it go. Julian was part of 2023. He will never be a part of 2024. Saying goodbye to the final year of his life is harder than ...