On February 10, 2023 I was sharing coconut shrimp with my friend Betsy at a seafood restaurant with a view of New Smyrna Beach. It had been a busy season with a record number of senior photo sessions and we deserved this little getaway. We had just arrived in Orlando for a photography conference and decided to take a day trip to the beach to shop, eat seafood and photograph some adorable girls on the beach before our conference began that evening. Something we don’t often get to do both being from places with long winters and no ocean. We found these cute little boutiques on Flagler Avenue where we spent too much money on clothes we’d probably never wear back home but felt fun at the time. We took some branding shots of each other to use for updating our websites and then found a hole in the wall seafood restaurant with an open patio where we could hear the waves and feel the ocean breeze.

We were right in the middle of enjoying our shrimp, when Noy called me to apologize for ruining my lunch, but the school had called and Julian was caught with a vape. He was on his way to the school to have a meeting with administration and Julian to find out what his punishment would be. Being at a smaller school, they have a zero tolerance policy on these types of things. We knew this, that’s one of the reasons we choose this school. Lots of accountability and less opportunity to be negatively influenced. But when you’re looking for trouble, I guess you can find it at any school.

I was so angry that I’d waited so long to be warm and on a beach and here Julian was ruining my oceanside lunch. A vape? Seriously? What was he thinking?

On our way back to Orlando, Noy called to tell me that the school had called and determined to give Julian three days suspension. I briefly talked to Julian asking what he was thinking. All he did was mutter and gave me no clear words. What was he supposed to say? Annoyed, I told him I didn’t didn’t want to talk to him right then, to hand the phone back to dad. Since I wasn’t home, Noy wasn’t sure what he was going to do with Julian for three days while he was at work. He obviously couldn’t leave him at home to get into trouble. Noy wasn’t mad at JT. He was disappointed but honestly, Julian had Noy wrapped around his finger. He asked Julian what made him want to get a vape and why he was choosing to make bad decisions. Julian felt betrayed by some friends recently, I guess. He had some really good friends looking out for him but the 15 year old mind doesn’t always have the right perspective on things.

The next hour or so Julian helped Noy work on the dirt bike trailer. Dirt biking was one of their favorite things to do together. I’ll spare you the rest of the details, but an hour later, Betsy and I were late to the start of the conference. We snuck in and sat in the last row trying not to disrupt anyone. Little did I know I was about to disrupt the entire hotel. Five minutes later, my phone rang so I quickly walked out of the conference to hear Noy give me the worst possible news that any parent could receive. Julian was gone.

No less than 600 people heard my wailing. Every hotel within a mile probably heard me. I look back at those moments and I don’t know how I didn’t just die on the spot. I certainly wanted to. Why didn’t I tell him I loved him and that everything was going to be okay? That we would figure this out together? That no matter what he did, we still adored him and would support him. No, I had to tell him I didn’t want to talk to him right now. Of course, I didn’t know those would be my last words to him or I would have never said them. But the truth is, I’ll live with my choice of words forever. I know he’s forgiven me now. And, I’ve forgiven him for ruining our lives. But the damage is done. What Noy and I wouldn’t give to turn back the clock and give that day another go. Had I decided not to go on that trip, would things have been different? If I had chose more loving words, would that have made him rethink? Was this planned? Was this impulsive? What in the actual hell was he thinking? WE DON’T HAVE A CLUE!

So many questions. Zero answers.

Our pastor used to say, If you haven’t faced big trials yet, just wait…you will. I hoped that God loved me too much for that. We had already struggled with infertility, miscarriage and some financially tight times throughout our marriage. Certainly, those are enough trials for a lifetime. But the truth is, none of us are promised a life of ease or a life without sorrow. There comes a time for every single one of us that grief and loss will affect us because death eventually comes for us all. Those we love are on loan to us and we aren’t promised a certain number of days with them before they are to return to their Maker. I would have never in one million years guessed we would only have Julian with us for 15 years, 3 months and 9 days. We can all imagine the things we would do differently if we had only known. But now, I can truly say my treasures are laid up in Heaven. No moth or rust or death can corrupt my treasure now. And praise be to God, I know that my joy, when I join him, will be perpetual and eternal. Until then, my prayer is, "Come quickly, Lord Jesus."

“So teach us to number our days,

That we may present to Thee a heart of wisdom.”

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth or rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Dawn

Last selfie with Julian taken the morning of his death.

9 Comments

May 12, 2025, 9:44:44 PM

Carol Harris - I am so very sorry.

Jan 3, 2025, 6:57:04 PM

Dawn Sparks - Thank you, Curtis.

Aug 13, 2024, 10:16:23 AM

Curtis Pinney - Our heart and prayers go out to you and your family. God Bless.

Dec 29, 2023, 12:37:40 PM

Lisa - Olivia and I prayed for you all on Christmas Eve, after she had the pleasure of serving you. We discussed what a beautiful family you have, the pain you go through, and the inspiration that you are to all of us! We love you.

Dec 29, 2023, 11:43:04 AM

Dawn Schultz - Sending prayers and love as I read through this. In those times when we can’t see God’s hand, we most certainly can trust His heart, but oh the agony you’ve gone through in life’s journey. We love you, think of you and pray for you often.

Dec 29, 2023, 1:12:56 AM

sophia - so much love for you guys💕💕

Dec 28, 2023, 11:59:22 PM

Jennifer Gance - Dawn thank you for sharing your story in such an open and honest way and including the hope of life yet to come.

Dec 28, 2023, 11:22:44 PM

Leighellen Landskov - I’m so thankful you created this blog and are sharing your full story here. I pray this helps other families who go through this and that it provides you some peace.

Dec 28, 2023, 9:02:31 PM

Heidi Dorr - Dawn, Thank you for sharing the innermost place in your heart

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THE DAY OUR LIVES FELL APART

Last selfie with Julian taken the morning of his death.

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